Dylan Haters Anonymous
by AmiRide
Summary: Like Alcoholics Anonymous, Smokers Anonymous and NyQuill-aholics Anonymous, Dylan Haters Anonymous helps change bad habits. Except for the members aren't reforming their own bad habits: They're changing 'He Who Shall Not Be Named number two's'. (His name starts with a Dy and ends with a Lan) A certain Flock member might possibly be lurking in the back of these meetings...guess who?


**A/N: Hi everyone! It's Ami! And my BFF (who for the sake of privacy shall be called Elle Fanning), who is here on a sleepovah, is writing with me!**

**Here is mah new fanfic, Dylan Hater Anon!**

**YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYAYAYAY!**

**(Elle Fanning wrote that part, btw)**

**ANYWAYS...**

**Disclaimer: JP does not have ... lots of stuff that I have. So I am not JP. That makes sense, right?**

**Elle Fanning: Wow. Way to write a sucky disclaimer.**

**Angel: *rolls eyes***

**Me: *rolls eyes like Angel***

* * *

"Everyone ready?" said the preppy red-haired girl as she ushered the latecomers through the door. Everyone nodded solemnly, as if preparing for some great ritual.

"On with the intros, then. I'm Marissa, and I am the leader of the secret underground association of Dylan Haters Anonymous." Marissa smiled from the stage, clutching her microphone.

There were a few whoops and hollers and one girl screamed, "YEAH!" then blushed and sat back down when she saw everyone staring at her.

"You know Alcoholics Anonymous and Smokers Anonymous. There's also NyQuill-aholics Anonymous." Some people muttered that yeah, they'd been to NyQuill-aholics Anonymous.

"Well, they are there to help snap out of bad habits. But this society is not to help _us_ snap out of bad habits. It's to help _someone else_ to snap out of bad habits, one bad habit in particular."

Murmurs around the room. Fang sunk into his chair, hoping no one would recognize him.  
"We need to help one person snap out of a bad habit that he has," said Marissa, narrowing her eyes. "And that's why we're here."

"YEAH!" shouted the same girl. She hid under her chair.

"Someone has been messing with the Fax," said Marissa. "And that person is Dylan."

'Boos' resonated through the room. The 'YEAH!' girl snarled.

"We need to stop Dylan before he destroys the Fax. Dylan will never be as good as Fang. We need to show him that. Who's with me?"

This time everyone screamed "YEAH!"

Except for the 'YEAH!' girl. She looked unsure, then screamed too late, then blushed in embarrassment and sunk lower into her chair while everyone stared at her.

"Let's introduce ourselves," Marissa said. "And say why we're here and why we love Fang and Fax, and if we fail why we deserve Fang above everyone else."

Fang was disgusted and nauseated.

"I'm Marissa," said the redhead, tossing her ruby hair. "I'm here because I hate Dylan. He's screwing with the Fax. He needs to die so that Max and Fang can continue being soul mates." She received small applause as she paused. "I love Fang because he's amazing and smexy and totally gorgeous and dark and stuff. I like Fax because it's, like, _too cute_! Max running away and stuff!"

Fang scowled. He hated when Max ran away after their kisses.

"If we fail in this mission of Dylan-destroying, then I believe I deserve Fang for a couple of reasons. One, I'm a redhead. Fang adores redheads."

_Not true_, Fang thought. _It was only a coincidence that the two girls who were interested in me whose names I knew were redheads. It was pure chance._

"Two, my nickname is Rissa, just like Melissa's nickname was Lissa. It sounds almost the same, and Fang _loved _Lissa, so if he loved a shy redhead named Lissa then he'll _definitely_ love an even prettier, less shy redhead named _Rissa_."

All around the room people murmured their consent.

Ugh. Lissa. Fang just wanted to puke at her name.

"Third, I know, like, science and stuff, and I'm, like, totally smart and all," Rissa continued. _Doesn't sound like it,_ Fang thought snidely. "Fang loves chicks with brains. I mean, he was _totally _into Brigid, and she was supersmart."

_Actually true_, thought Fang. _Max is a smart girl. I like _her.

"Fourth, I'm nineteen, so I'm older. Fang is _so_ into older women. I mean, look at him and Brigid!"

_Ew. Brigid was like seven years older than me. It was unnatural. Why do people keep thinking Brigid and I liked each other? She may have liked me, but I sure as hell didn't like her._

People clapped for Rissa.

"Your turn," she said brightly to the girl next to her.

"Hi, I'm Caroline and I hate Dylan—"

"STOP!" shrieked Rissa. "The Fax-slayer shall henceforth be referred to as 'He Who Shall Not Be Named number two.'" Everyone nodded as if that made perfect sense. _What the hell? _Thought Fang. _He Who Shall Not Be Named number two? Who's number one?_

Fang tuned out the girl and studied the faces in the crowd. He wasn't surprised to see mostly teenage girls there, though there were three eighty-year olds there. He _was_ surprised to see a burly man in his thirties though. That guy must be a serious creeper.

"Herbert," he said when it was his turn. Fang felt like snickering. Herbert? (**A/N: Elle Fanning, Herbert the Pervert! I told you I'd be able to incorporate him!)**

"I think that You Know Who number two sucks, and that Fang and Max should stay together. Otherwise, I like Fang because he's cool and he likes black. I'm not gay but we would go well together because I like black too."

Fang tried not to throw up.

Everyone looked expectantly at him.

"I'm…um…Justin," he said, struggling to think of a name that _wasn't_ Nick. He'd used that alias too many times.

"Like the illegitimate child of Fang and Iggy in the "Avian Flu" by Saint Fang of Boredom?" one girl whispered to Caroline. They both whispered furiously. _Saint Fang of Boredom? Child with Iggy? What?_

"I hate Dylan—" several girls and Herbert hissed at the name "—because he's, well, Dylan, and I like Fang because he's, well, Fang. Fax is cool because they both really love each other, and um…I wouldn't be with Fang if this mission failed because that would make me gay."

"He's super haaawwt," whispered one girl.

"Well put, Justin," said Rissa, smiling flirtatiously . "Now for our first mission."

She looked out into the crowd.

"We're going to set his boxers on fire," she proclaimed into the microphone, smiling evilly.

Fang didn't know if it was weird, but he suddenly liked the Dylan Haters Anonymous association a whole lot better right then.

* * *

**A/N: SO? DIDJA LIKE IT? HUH? HUH?**

**I like pie. That was random.**

**So, I know a lot of you are going to say that it isn't as funny as it could be, but I am trying to work on the humor. Please forgive me. I present my humble excuses.**

**Angel: *rolls eyes***

**Elle Fanning: *rolls eyes like Angel***

**Me: Ugh.**

**I just love Elle Fanning. I'm pretending she's my best friend. The friend who is being called Elle Fanning on this fic is now giving me an offended look.**

**Whatever.**

**Anyways, R&R! I might even update the fan favorite, my other fanfaction, the Weirdo on Park Avenue, if you review. Because review are love and I love love.**

**Elle Fanning: 0.o**

**Anyways...**

**R&R!**

**BIIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!**

**~Ami****


End file.
